


silently screaming into nothingness (am I losing myself?)

by orphan_account



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Depression, Loneliness, M/M, Masks, Nightmares, Pretend, Read tags for triggers please, Sad, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Tears, Worthless, fake - Freeform, invisible, like a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-12-26 16:09:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12062466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: he thought he couldn't be fixed.Part of title in brackets is from you know what they do to guys like us in prison (that lines gets me every time wow)





	silently screaming into nothingness (am I losing myself?)

**Author's Note:**

> I actually don't have any siblings so forgive me if I wrote them wrong.  
> Im sorry if i did; maybe let me know what you thought - i seriously doubt my ability to write most of the time, don't worry though if you don't want to <3 
> 
> This entire piece is a vent fic and as always, i triggered myself.  
> I cried while writing this :'(
> 
> I hope you liked it
> 
> It's my brithday in 4 days... I didn't think I'd make it

Gerard Way was a straight-A student, stable family life, he had it good.

That's what everyone thought.

He contributed all the time in class, got on well with the teachers and students.

He always said hi to people in his class. 

Always greeted his teachers.

He is an utterly brilliant actor,

but he isn't doing too well in drama class.

It's ironic, in a way.

* * *

Of course Gerard Way didn't want to die, of course he didn't run his fingers over the red lines coating his forearms.

Of course he wasn't scared out of his mind.

Of COURSE he wasn't nothing.

* * *

**_You're nothing nothing nothing nothing_ **

**_You don't matter_ **

**_You never did_ **

**_You understand me?_ **

Gerard visibly winced, pressing down on his cuts. 

The soft throb didn't make one difference.

It wasn't working, it wasn't working, it wasn't stopping.

**_They're better off without you_ **

**_You waste of space_ **

**_Just leave_ **

**_do yourself a favour you freak_ **

He wanted to, oh he wanted to so bad.

Especially when it kept pounding on in his brain.

But he knew, he knew it was telling the truth, 

he knew his parents argued - it wasn't all in his head.

He knew that if he told them,

if he told them about what he did to himself.

They would be so angry.

They would be so disappointed.

He didn't deserve them.

* * *

Mikey noticed something was up with his brother.

His once light eyes were downcast and permanently bruised underneath.

"Hey Gee?" The younger Way boy gently nudged his brother's shoulder, choosing to ignore how he winced and instinctively wrapped his fingers round his wrists.

"Yeah Mikey?" He faked a smile. The darkness in his head was relentless; it refused to stop.

He could barely hear his brother's words through all the white noise, could barely see him through the black rings circling his vision, sleep deprivation taking its toll.

"Are you okay?" He whispered, concern etched on his features.

_**Mikey doesn't care about you** _

_**No one does** _

_**Leave** _

_**Stop** _

_**before you fuck him up too** _

_**You DON'T DESERVE HIM  
** _

_**YOU NEVER did** _

_But,_ Gerard thought  _he does._

_**Aww, stop lying you ugly piece of shit.** _

* * *

And so, with unshed tears and so much left unsaid, Gerard faked a smile, he put his mask back on.

"I'm fine, Mikey, don't worry about me."

* * *

Mikey should have known when Gerard dyed his hair red.

He should have known when he started selling his stuff, he kept saying "It's for charity."

Mikey should have known when he saw the scars on Gerard's forearms.

He should have known when he heard his brother crying and pleading at 3am.

He should have seen it.

* * *

_Hey Mikes,_

_It's not your fault, please believe me when I say that._

_It was never you, it was me, it was all me._

_I was so messed up, I thought I couldn't be fixed._

_I'm so sorry._

_I'm sorry, for all of it._

_I'm sorry I never let you in._

_Promise me you'll stay the fuck alive Mikey._

_I wanted to tell you so much but never said it._

_I love you so much Mikey Way, I love you baby brother._

_I always will, I swear it, even if I'm not with you by your side._

_Thank you for anchoring me to this existence of mine, no matter how worthless I was, even when I couldn't see any hope you kept me going and for that I am eternally grateful._

_Keep all of the stuff in my room._

_It's yours now baby bro._

_I never deserved you, all I did was push you away and **I am so sorry**_

_**I could've been a better brother** _

_Remember when you and I used to make things up?_

_Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed when the thunder was too loud and the thoughts were deafening and nightmares never-ending._

_Keep running Kobra, stay strong and never let them take anything from you and never let them take you alive._

_Fight, hold on, stay strong._

_You'll be found baby bro I promise you._

_All the love and gratitude and love, so much love._

_So long and goodnight <333_

_Gee (Party Poison) <3 xxx_

_PS: Tell mum and dad I always loved them._

* * *

Gerard Arthur Way said goodbye on February 15th.

* * *

 

He was missed, so much.

Mikey hoped he was in heaven.

Mikey hoped he was okay now.

Mikey knew Gerard loved him, Mikey loved his brother so much.

"So long and Goodnight, Gee. I love you so much."

Mikey stepped away from his brother's grave.

There were so many words engraved on the stone, he couldn't focus on them through the tears.

Frank hugged the younger Way brother and the two lost boys walked away.

He would never be forgotten.

They would see each other again, later on, Mikey was sure of it.

But he stayed alive, he promised Gee after all.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Keep living <3
> 
> All the love and support means so much.  
> Thank you. <3


End file.
